Fightings and Fears

Lately I've realized that several people are affected spiritually- by me. Feels like a backpack I pulled up onto my shoulders four miles ago, settled on my back, it was nothing. The breeze pulled at me gently and the sunlight glittered in the trees and I thought the whole hike would be like that. Easy. Invigorating. Now that backpack is heavy, the straps are digging into my skin, my muscles hurt. I'm wishing I'd let someone else carry it, just sort of looked the other way, fiddled with my shoelaces when they asked.

At Piedmont Women's Center, they share the gospel with every woman who enters the building. I've been helping with ultrasounds, reading the manual, talking with the other Christian women who work there. Easy. Invigorating. Then last week they asked me to role play a counseling session. Suddenly, I had to decide what I was going to say to some woman who was scared, lost, looking for guidance. How to communicate the judgment of God and the love of God, the darkness of sin and the light of the cross, looking into the eyes of a woman full of questions and hangups. I was playing a part with my new friend and I just stumbled around. I told her I'd have to work out what to say. She said I'd be great, but I knew that I wouldn't. Not that simple, not that easy. Not on my own.

I might be the one person between that woman and her decision to kill her unborn baby, her decision to reject Christ.

At church, I'm driving six kids who really don't understand what it means to have a relationship with God. I hear a mother yelling at one of them and I think, these kids aren't loved the way I was loved. No wonder they don't get it. And there are leaders who are shocked when they say a curse word. Yeah, your kids don't say that. But your kids don't have parents who live five miles apart. Your kids don't listen to Beyonce on Youtube or to two people screaming at each other in the next room.

I try to explain that God cares about the things we think about- He knows and loves us that much. But when I talk about anything other than sports or school, they say "Okay, Okay, Okay"- loudly.  One of them told me something that echoes in my mind. "When the other leaders talk about God, I understand, but when you do, I just don't get it." And I think that it's me, that I'll never get through to them. That I can barely keep them from getting up out of their seats and throwing things at each other.

One of the boys said he wants to be a drug dealer when he grows up. He's sullen, rebellious and- real. So do we just want kids who keep that rebelliousness down inside of them, do we want pews filled up with quiet, respectful rebels? They're saying he might not get to come any more. Maybe he won't have any Christians in his life at all.

Three little girls said their verses to me last night. They needed me to explain. To show them that I love the Bible, that I'm excited about it. To memorize right along with them, tell them that we keep doing this our entire lives.

My small, selfish world is expanding. But sometimes- honest- I wish it weren't. Sometimes I feel that these women and these kids can't depend on me. They just can't. I have nothing to offer them. I struggle every day. I think God cannot use me, and then I think, why of course He can, because [pride]. Either way-I'm doing these things. Either way.

Most of the time, I get it all wrong. In the things I say, in the ways I respond. I'm impatient and I discourage rather than encourage.

I elevate sincerity over spirituality.

Once I played board games with a couple of ten-year-olds. I don't know how they started the conversation- I think maybe the word "hypocrite" came up in some word game. "What's a hypocrite?" one asked. "Oh, you know, when people sit in a church pew and look all holy and then they go home and listen to their rock music," her friend replied, demonstrating headphones on and rocking out. They laughed, went back to their game, but I felt like I'd been hit. Because the one thing I want to be is genuine. And is it genuine to wear skirts to church and sing hymns and "look all holy" if that's not really me?  Sometimes I haven't gone for that reason. More worried about the way I look to other people than about refreshing my soul, renewing my mind.  But that little girl was wrong. It's never hypocritical to go to church. Maybe sometimes it's just thinking about God first, people later.

For all of this, I need to pray- hard. I believe that God can help me turn around from mistakes I've made, and use me, somehow. He can show me what to say to people in my life. He can change the minds of the men who only want well-behaved kids in their Bible club. I've doubted that He could change people in my life, my coworkers, my friends, as I've doubted that He could change me. But truth is? He could change all of us.