Love

I've been thinking a lot, maybe partly because of a crumpled-up-in-the-trash-can-post I wrote earlier today, and partly because of some other blog posts I read that I hope will never get thrown away. By two women who I think know something about it. This word everybody keeps saying.

Sometimes I've thought that love is a feeling. It's the happiness that spread through me like the warmth of hot chocolate when I sat with my family around a table and we played the story game and howled with laughter. It's the crazy things I did with my sisters, rushing our faces at a mirror to scare ourselves and telling each other everything we thought about everything. It's lying on my little brother's bed discussing books on a Sunday afternoon. It's the feeling that these people will always accept me and they'll stick with me no matter what- because they're my family.

It's the feeling I get when I realize that life is short, and someone just took a piece of their short little life and wrote my name on it with a permanent marker and gave me that time, freely. It's being valued.

But love is not a feeling. Jesus didn't feel a warm little burst of happiness for us. He died a horrible death for us.

And so I think that I don't love people.

If I feel like someone has nothing to offer me- no way to relate to me, no way to make me laugh or feel better- if they annoy me, fill me with tension 24/7, or want something more out of our friendship than I want, I don't talk to them.

While I can be a good friend and willingly spend time and money on my friends (the people I like who like me), try to take care of their feelings, give them advice, etc... when it comes down to it, it's basically about me and the way it makes me feel.

This realization and the thought that everyone else might possibly be the same way... and just not honest enough to admit it... is very, very depressing to me.

I realize that I don't know the first thing about loving people. I don't understand unconditional love. I don't understand God's love. These things are foreign to me. I have empathy, but that's not the same as sacrificial, unconditional love.

I just went on a missions trip. I hugged little kids and played with them and they smiled at me and it made me feel good. See what I mean? That's not love.

Everybody talks about love. I wonder if they, too, ever wonder what they mean by it. We love the people who make us laugh and the people who make us feel good. We want to make people laugh and make them feel good so that we, too, will be loved. It's round trip selfishness.

I asked myself, is it possible for humans to love purely? To love without ANY ulterior motives such as looking good to people watching, or feeling better about themselves? To love people when it doesn't benefit them in ANY tangible or intangible way?

I think that it is possible, but it is not possible without God.

There are some people on here who I thought understood me better than anyone else. They exist in Myers Briggs personality groups. And the secular groups tell me that I don't have to love everyone, because I've got to take care of myself and I shouldn't have to bother with small talk and "fake" "dramatic" "manipulative" people. And the Christian groups tell me that they can relate, that it's the way we all are, and they understand.

But I forgot that Someone understands me better than Myers Briggs because He made me. And He commanded me to love- to love not just a few people, but everyone.

It has always bothered me when I didn't like someone. I have thought, well, I'm better than other people because of the REASONS for my dislike. I don't judge people based on their looks or their possessions but on their personalities and actions. Now I know why it bothered me. I may have a negative feeling toward someone else that I can't help, but regardless of the reason, it is wrong to be cold and distant to anyone.

I've heard that love is not a feeling, it's a choice. That's kind of a starting point. I'm going to find out as much about it as God is willing to show me and love as many people as God puts into my life, no matter how they act, or how they annoy, boss, ignore, discount, reprimand, misrepresent, or say rude things to me. Because my life IS so short, and it's probably at least one-third over. All I can think right now is, what a terrible waste. And all I can do now is to love people the rest of the time I have.

It is very hard for me because there are some people I just can't stand. You know who you are. (Kidding. Completely kidding).

I'm tempted to dwell on their actions and words instead of dwelling on JESUS'S actions and words. I also have a barrier of fear, among other things.

So please pray for me to grow in this love thing everyone is talking about, to somehow tap into unconditional sacrificial love under years and years of cobwebs, dust and rust, and I'm just going to stop analyzing motives and love and my personality, and just get out there and start talking to people I don't normally talk to, and pray for help because I NEED IT. So I'm going to go to work tomorrow and get started with the little bit I already know. And I almost said "and we'll see how it goes" but that's exactly what I would do IF love was a feeling.

Love is not a feeling. God is love.