Thought Edits

I have a problem.

I already confessed to being overly nostalgic. If I go on like this, my blog will become one long-drawn-out confession- with one hundred amendments. You'd read it, though, because you like reading people's confessions. I know you. If you had your way, you'd be a priest behind a little booth, listening to people's darkest secrets all day long. You'd be in Full Time Priestly Ministry, just so you could.

Well, that's too bad, because my problem (this problem) is only that I edit my blog posts too much. But it really is awful. I look at my stats and the views are MOSTLY Android. The VAST MAJORITY are. (Android= me.)

By the way, I can't tell if you, specifically, read my blog. So don't worry. By the way, I like it when people read my blog (although I don't really like it when they talk to me about it). So why were you worried anyway?

I wrote a poem about the Unknown (Known) Soldier last Tuesday, and I was still editing it on Saturday. I'm still not happy with it. My meter, rhyme and the lengths of my lines are all wrong. While I can shout "POETIC LICENSE", the truth is, I don't really know what I'm doing, and so, I just do whatever I want. It doesn't sound forced, at least. But it IS very sentimental. But- I'M very sentimental. Today I watched people proposing on T.V. and IT MADE ME CRY. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET MARRIED. AND PEOPLE PROPOSING... MAKES ME CRY.

I have decided not to edit this post once. I will post it and that's that. An unedited post- that will be my punishment for overediting.

My thoughts have also been edited recently. A lot. I'm thankful, because when I think my own thoughts, they're almost always wrong. Exaggerated, distorted, or flat-out lies.

I'm taking a Bible class (online, with Regent University) that has been really helpful to me. It's called The Making of the Christian Mind, and it's about the Christian worldview. I'm learning- through this class, my pastor, and even more through experience- how much I need to be "renewing my mind" with God's Word. I say I believe all the things I'm supposed to believe: about God, myself, the Devil, life. Of course I say that. But the things that I Actually Think are often very different.

I've been struggling with discouragement and even depression for a while. Because I was thinking my own thoughts. Plain and simple.

Something Dr. Mark Minnick said one time was a great encouragement to me. I can't remember his exact words, but he told us that we are pleasure loving people, and we should read the Bible for pleasure. It was almost like: it's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

I know there's a lot of feel-good Christianity floating around these days. And I don't agree with the Joel and Victoria Osteens of the world. (Specifically of America. I think it's almost exclusively an American-Christian attitude.) Because the Christian life IS hard, and it's all about God- it's not all about us. So it makes me feel like it's wrong to try to enjoy Christian things, or to make them easier. I must be a soldier marching forward. Stalwartly.

I love to have fun, read good books, watch movies, listen to music. So I just feel conflicted-the things I want to do aren't the things I should do, and it's hard to resist the fun things when I just view Christian things as duty.

Now that I've said that, I hate it, because if you had told me that reading the Bible and praying is  duty, I would have been the first to contradict you. It's not duty, we do it because we love God. Because we want to have a relationship with Him. But I do think of it as duty, often. Like a checklist item, and I'm-a-bad-person-if-I-don't.

Meditation is especially hard. I've heard (or had) lots of ideas. Carry a verse around on a notecard. Think about a verse you've memorized every time you pass the same spot. Carry an object like a pebble in your pocket to remind you. Read it and think about it at the top of the hour, or on all your breaks.

But, remembering to do it is hard, and actually doing it is even harder. Say you run into your most irritating coworker at 12:58. He tells you in so many words that you didn't do your job right. You snap back at him. Do you read your verse 2 minutes later, at the top of the hour? You're much better than me if you do.

I found an easier way. I do struggle with the idea of making these things easy. But I'm thankful for Pastor Minnick's words because (as I know he is a very wise person) I can see that it's okay to enjoy the Bible. It's okay to make it easy and fun to study it. It's okay to go to my favorite spot in the park to pray when I look forward to it all day, and I know most of that is just looking forward to being in that spot. I think he also said that he got coffee with lots of whipped cream and drank it while he read the Bible in the mornings. The hard part is getting-going. Do it, do it in an easier way, but ultimately because you love God.

I feel kind of snotty when I talk about my job, sometimes. It's like, HAHA, I get candy and you don't. I'm really so fortunate to be able to clean mindlessly and listen to anything I want. I can basically educate myself in any subject, listen to fiction, or listen to my favorite music, and I’m earning money at the same time.

But the Bible is more profitable than anything else, and I need it. Desperately. I just got rid of Spotify because it was an almost-impossible choice. Endless music of all kinds versus the Bible.

Now, I've been listening to Ephesians 1-2 on repeat, and it's been so, so good. I think if I do it every day, I'll have it memorized by the end of the week. I really haven't realized how much God has given me in salvation. These things certainly weren't included in any of my liar-thoughts. Listen to this:

Blessed in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places

Chosen in Him before the foundation of the world

Predestined in love for adoption as (a daughter) through Jesus Christ

Given redemption through His blood and the forgiveness of my trespasses

Grace lavished upon me

The mystery of His will made known to me

Obtained an inheritance

Predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of His will

Sealed with the promised Holy Spirit who is the guarantee of my inheritance until I acquire possession of it

Called to hope

He has immeasurable greatness of power toward me (resurrection power)

Loved with a great love

Made alive together with Christ

Saved by grace through faith- the gift of God

Raised up with him and seated in heavenly places in Christ Jesus

His workmanship

Created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand

Once far off, brought near by the blood of Christ

Peace with God

The dividing wall of hostility broken down

Reconciled to God by Christ through the cross

Access in one Spirit to the Father

No longer strangers and aliens- fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God

Being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit

The best part? I've actually been able to talk to people in a cheerful way lately. I have often felt very discouraged over BEING discouraging. I really can't be fakely happy, at all. Now, with the knowledge of everything God has done for me- with thankfulness over it- I don't have to be fake about it.

There will be hard days, again. But if I'm listening to God's thoughts, instead of thinking my own- I can get through them with a smile. Maybe with some encouraging words for you. That's my job too- encouraging you- and I certainly don't want God to fire me for slacking.